What they don’t teach you about essay writing in high school that every poor schmuck needs to know:

You will miss the days when one-and-a-half mildly illogical, not-referenced and NEVER researched pages sufficed to get you that better-than-average grade.

It’s all downhill from there.


Because BAM! The subject gets harder. And you’re left wondering how the frick you’ll ever manage to write 3,000 words on how the Weimar Republic’s tendency to favour the oft-overlooked social outsider (culturally if not economically) set all the outsiders up for a fall once shit hit the fan and the Third Reich rolled into being. Just, you know, as an example.

You’re also likely to realise that it takes a special type of brain to write a decent essay in less than a decade. You might even think, for a whole ten minutes at one point or another, you have that brain. You don’t. It’s called delusion, and every writer experiences it from time to time. Usually, it’s a pretty necessary part of the process. BUT 300 WORDS IN FIVE DAYS IS NOT PROGRESS, KID. So suck it up and stop looking for things to procrastinate with. Your Facebook feed can’t possibly have changed all that much in the past five minutes. You are not hungry. You just peed ten minutes ago. One glass and two plates do not constitute “dishes that need doing”.

And if after all that, you still feel like this guy:


Then congratulations. You’re a university student. And you wouldn’t feel like a cup of coffee unless you’d watched that clip, and we both know it. Don’t you dare get up.



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